I have never been all that confident about my looks - like a lot of gay men I guess. I tend to see the negatives, all the things I wish I could change or hadn't been born with. When I was younger I genuinely thought I was ugly - and now I feel sorry for that teenage boy who couldn't see how cute and hot he was, and wish I could sit down with me then and explain how wrong I was about how I saw myself.
I don't think I'm unusual in that. So many guys I know have their anxieties about how they look, whether it's physically or their clothes, and so many of us have worked hard to come to terms with our bodies and faces - learning that we won't be as perfect as the images in the magazines takes time - some of us never really learn and keep beating ourselves up over our failure to look like a cover model.
And I can think of men I know who are drop-dead handsome, fantastic bodies, and lovely personalities, but they still think they are ugly and undesirable. And for some guys I think their beauty becomes a cage - I know I look at some guys and think "Wow - he's so hot - but he'd never look at me so I won't even bother." Some of the most beautiful men I can think of around Auckland are single, and I think part of it is that others are afraid to approach and get to know them. But as they say "Beauty fades, dumb is forever", so maybe we should all learn to be a bit braver.
I can safely say that I've accepted I will never have a six-pack or be covered in muscles. Thank God I have a 10 inch cock or no-one would want me.
There is so much pressure on gay men to look right, to look good. And looking good means youth and muscles, neither of which I have much of today. I've tried going to the gym, and I will probably join up somewhere and try again in the next year, but I just get bored with it after a few months and stop going. I think I've been a member of 3 different gyms over the past 7 years, and each time I fade out after my initial enthusiastic start start in 3 - 6 months.
Part of my dislike of gyms comes from the horror of school PE and my constant failure there. I know other guys who had the same experience but got over it and love their gym now, but for me it still brings back a few nasty memories. And it's just so boring!
I've watched my body slowly spread into middle-age, with my waistline broadening, hair falling out, skin getting flabby and wrinkly, hearing weakening, all the usual stuff time and age brings. And while I don't look all that pretty, I'm not complaining too much.
So it was a real treat to find some old footage of me on youtube, at the tender age of 18. Damn but I was cute, but I had no idea - I was this total mess of insecurities and fear around how I looked. If only I'd known then what I know now...
So here it is - don't worry, I kick in at about 00:10 and am over pretty fast.
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